a letter.

Dear Bradley Piglet Boo,

        Hello, Mr. Princecharming, you will never see this post because you think the pictures of scantily clad ladies that I (sometimes) reblog are too indecent. But I will write to you anyways.

        I’ve said I love you to all my ex-boyfriends and, to be honest, every time I had said it (maybe with the exception of Frank Lin), I was lying. And what’s even more pathetic about that is that I think I was lying more to myself than to them. I wanted to tell myself that I am capable of loving someone and that it IS possible to douse all my insecurities with these false, pretense emotions. But of course, that is not how the human heart works. It wasn’t long before I fell into the cycle of hopping from one pseudo-love episode to another, projecting self-induced romance on to any male figure that happened to be there. It was pathetic, like a 2 year old playing hide and seek with her imaginary friend; she hides and giggles and peeks out from her hiding spot in hopes that she will be discovered (and in her imagination, her friend did exactly that!) but it never actually happens. That was the state I was in.

       And when I caught myself doing this, when I finally said, “no more of this nonsense. I can be alone and be happy and be perfectly content with just my relationship with God,” You came bounding into my life. I guess that’s the big irony: once you stop looking for something, it magically appears. And that’s exactly what happened—love appeared. 

       With you, I don’t have to pretend to be in love. I don’t force myself to think about how much I like you or how happy we are going to be when we go on dates—in fact, sometimes I need to step on the brakes and tell myself to slow down and stop acting like a middle school idiot. And as silly and cheesy as that sounded, it really is liberating. It frees up my entire person to be caring to you, to do things because I truly want the best for you. 

       And I know we struggle a lot with keeping a balance between our worldly desire for each other and the Godly relationship that we want to have… but I know we will get better at that; if we keep our relationship is centered in the latter, we will get it right (and that, a hunger for God’s love in our lives, is what makes this relationship a million times more rewarding than even the best of my past relationships). And even at our worst… I don’t find myself burning in lustful desire… it is more a thirst for intimacy…

and I’d find my finger tips running down your back,

racing to memorize every detail of you—

The texture of your skin,

The contour of your body,

The perfect little dip right beneath your hipbone,—

 before the sun shakes us out of bed. 

         Maybe one day, in God’s timing, we will be united in one flesh. And I will have all the time in the world to learn all the little secrets of your body—and you, mine. But until then, I will enjoy every little step along the way of my falling in love with you. And when I finally tell you I love you, you’d know that they are not cheapened and that they, absolutely and exactly, reflect the very content of my heart. And now, I must go back to studying for my bio final exam… which is in 40 minutes. oops. LOL!

Your girlfriend, 

Celia McMeatloaf.